5/29/2012

being genlte

So I’ve been sitting in front of the computer for over an hour….I sat down to write a post and somehow found the new Justin Bieber single and here we are. His new single Die In Your Arms has this old school Michael Jackson vibe thing happening, it’s really really good! I cannot imagine life without music. How dull!

I hope you all had a great holiday weekend. I decided to take two days off of posting which was good for me. Writing this blog is such an interesting experience. I follow a lot of blogs and so many people blog everyday. I want to keep up with it and share a great deal but I also need breaks and time away from the computer – for me it is all about finding balance.

The last couple of days I have been thinking about how necessary it is to continue practice being gentle with myself. The other day I got really bummed out because I was not able to say something that I was feeling in the moment. I felt like a huge failure. My head was spinning out about how hard I have worked to be able to share my truth with others and what does that say about me if in a moment I do not do that. I was feeling terrible and like a fraud. Thankfully I know that when I am feeling like that I need to reach out to my support system and share what I am going through with people I trust.

During my conversations with friends all of them assured me that I did not do anything wrong and that sometimes we just don’t speak up. There are so many factors to a situation and it is important to not focus on one part, instead we need to look at the entire situation to gain clarity. The truth is I was in an unfamiliar environment and trying something new. The fact that I did not speak up about one thing does not mean I failed or let myself down. I had taken many risks up until that point and these are all things I can be proud of.

This was such a great lesson for me. It has been a long time since I haven’t spoken up and when I didn’t I almost immediately went into feeling bad about myself instead of looking at the positive aspects. I was very harsh on myself and my friends reminded me to take a few steps back, slow down and be gentle and kind. Honestly it’s a little embarrassing even writing this but it is where I am at today and wanted to share it here. A friend told me recently she enjoyed my blog so much because of the honesty, because I don’t pretend to have all the answers or have it all figured out. I thought about that when I decided to write about this earlier today. I am just like many people, doing the best they can each day to live as open and with as much authenticity as possible.

Today I was very gentle with myself. I took it easy. When I noticed my head starting in about how I should have done this or that I paused, took a deep breath and refocused my attention on the present moment. I am extremely grateful today for the awareness I have been cultivating in my life. Without this it would not be possible to know where I still have things I need to work out. Part of being gentle is practicing gratitude, recognizing  my assets and seeing what I did well in a situation instead of the one way I wasn’t perfect.

Tomorrow I begin part three of my 100 hour yoga immersion. I am going to spend the evening preparing some food for the week as well as think about what my intentions are for this last section. This immersion has been such an incredible and humbling journey, I want to make the most out of these last five days and be as focused and awake as I can. I also want to be gentle with myself and honor my physical limitations and all emotions that come up during the week.

Wishing you all a lovely evening.

xoa

 

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