11/30/2012

facing the pain and growing through it

Hi there. I want to start by saying thank you to everyone that has reached out to me in the last twenty-four hours regarding my recent break up. I cannot begin to say how much it has meant to me. Still adjusting to this city, trying to find my place and a community it has become clear that I do have the real beginnings of something quite special. It’s truly grounding to have so many people reach out and extend themselves in my direction. Going through this painful time I can see who is really there for me and feel totally loved through this. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.

Having a community and friends to lean on helps me heal. I see that I can be myself as much as it hurts and as messy as it might look. I have support. Family and friends are showing up for me. I am truly grateful. It feels good to know that I am a person that can show up for others as well. I was talking to a girlfriend earlier today and was like, omg, I’m so sorry that every time we’ve spoken this week I’ve been super bummed out and needed to process this boy stuff. She said she wanted to be there for me and knows that when she goes through things she can count on me. I am glad to be in a place in my life where I have many, true┬áreciprocal relationships. I am no longer the self-obsessed person that cannot have a conversation without making it about me, I know how to ask questions and be engaged. I also allow other people to be themselves even if it makes me a little uncomfortable. One of the greatest gifts we can give people is our undivided attention. Easier said than done for most people because the type of self-awareness and compassion that is required takes a great deal of work to achieve. Work that many are not willing to do.

Sorry if that sounded harsh but it’s the way I see it! So few of us are actually working towards living as awake as possible. I get why people check out and hide out, I lived like that too. It’s comfortable because it is familiar. Who wants to share honestly with people and who wants to love others unconditionally? I know I do as imperfectly as I do it, these goals are my north star and I aim to continue to practice being real until it’s no longer a practice – it just is.

Allowing myself the space to feel all this heartache has been very intense. You know the kind of crying where you can actually feel your heart start to break and your rocking back and forth and snot is dripping down your mouth? Welcome to my world the last 24 hours. Shit. This pain is something else and the thing I am reminding myself is it isn’t just about this relationship. Every time a relationship ends I grieve to some extent all the ones that came before. I had that harsh moment today where I sobbed on the kitchen floor for over half an hour listening to the same Taylor Swift (bless her) song on repeat. And then I got up and cut open some coconuts and finished making the pie. There is nothing wrong with letting myself go to that place as long as I don’t stay too long and get all messed up in the head blaming myself for everything.

God. As much as it hurts I would take facing the pain and feeling it over stuffing it down and checking out any day. This is the stuff life is made of. This is the catalyst that is going to propel me forward into making something honest and great and useful. This is the exact experience I need to take me on the next adventure, to pursue another dream and eventually open my heart again to romance. Honestly this is the first time in my life I have been so open and willing to experience the pain full on. I feel incredibly alive and in tune and clear.

As we begin a new month I am going to set aside a lot of time to reflect on this past year. Much has happened in the last eleven months and I want to use the next few weeks to take a mini inventory of the year so I can remember how far I have come and how much I have grown. There is much to be grateful for. I also want to spend some time setting intentions for the upcoming year. Put pen to paper and write out what I want for myself. I know first hand how powerful it is to put energy and mindfulness towards our intentions and want to give that the time it deserves. In some ways it feels like this year is ending on a bittersweet note but it doesn’t have to be that way and I have another month to dig deep and take good care of myself.

Consider joining me this month in going over this past year and taking stock of your experiences. I believe there is much to be learned by thoughtful reflection. If you feel so inclined start to think about what you might want for yourself next year and write it down. This is the first step towards making it happen.

I am getting tired and should head to bed. I have a big photo shoot tomorrow and want to get my beauty rest ;) All new photos for my new website which launches Jan 1, 2013 – it’s all very exciting. Hope you have a wonderful weekend and see you back here soon.

xoa

Comments

  • lisa

    Ashley
    I am totally 100 percent with you on everything in this share: i could have written it myself. You are in my prayers and the united appeal for Mercy rings loud in the Kingdom of God.
    Lisa. Berlin.

  • ashley

    Thank you Lisa and same to you. Always so comforting to know others are in having similar experiences. Really reminds me how connected we truly are.
    Miss you.

    xoa

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