12/20/2012

on desire

Good evening. Hope everyone is well and staying warm. I had no idea it got so cold in LA, we have the heater on now which I am grateful for ;). It’s been a busy last few days. I took a part time job to make some extra money to fund my eBook and other creative expenses and I forgot how tiring it is to be on my feet for 10 hours at a time! Woah!  I am very happy for the work though and while it is very busy I have met some interesting people and it’s nice to be out of the house.

Last week I started a new practice of manifesting. I don’t want to get into it much right now but thought it was worth mentioning. Adding on another piece to my morning ritual has been good for me. I live for my mornings. Taking the quiet time to do my practices and writing grounds me and sets the tone for my day. I am at a point now where I look forward to having that time for myself. Especially this time of year where there is so much chaos and energy and stress everywhere, carving out two hours of mindful, peaceful living each day is bringing a great deal of calm to my life.

After my manifesting practice this morning I started thinking about how in order to be willing to do the necessary work it takes to keep an open heart and mind I must have a key ingredient: desire. Without the desire I cannot keep going. It’s like that with recovery. Many people need to be in recovery from one addiction or another but until an honest desire is in place it is unlikely people will recover. It takes serious commitment, over time to remove the blockages and get to the root of why there is addiction in the first place.

Desire is the seed of change. We must be thirsty for a different life in order to be released from all that binds us to our fears. We must be unwilling to take another second of the kind of thinking that sends us into a tail spin and leaves us in a tremendous amount of pain and self-pity. That is where I am today. I am no longer willing to let my fear based thinking dictate my actions. I’m over it.

So much healing and understanding has come from the heartache I have been moving through. It’s true, my heart has indeed been broken open and the amount of love that is flowing from it and towards it is nothing short of a miracle. I needed this experience on multiple levels. I am having to go through this to get to this place of desire. Of course these are choices I am making. I could easily use this experience as a way to beat myself up and as a perfect illustration of how screwed up I am. I could easily blame, check out, disassociate, distract, isolate, medicate, shut down or resent or all of the above, but instead I am taking the path of the warrior. I am showing up, loving myself no matter what and allowing the experience to shift my entire life in ways that lets more of who I am love and shine out.

Today I worked a lot with my thoughts. As soon as I caught myself going down the rabbit hole, I paused and repeated the words, “I love you, I love you, I love you,” until I came back to the present moment. The thing is, it worked every time in a matter of seconds. Once I was back in the moment I was moving along until an hour or two later I was heading down the rabbit hole again and started saying “I love you”. Giving myself the unconditional acceptance and love I need is exactly how I am going to grow through this into a more compassionate and incredible person. While this sounds like a simple exercise, and it is, it definitely takes a strong desire to change in order to put it in to practice. I encourage you to try if you feel so inclined. And if all of this sounds like hippie mushy crap I feel you, and I love you. Give it a shot anyway.

It’s nearly 8pm and I am going to start winding down for bed. I am going back to the yoga studio tomorrow after a week off and want to be well rested. As we move into the weekend remember to be as gentle with yourself and others as possible. This can be a very hard time of year and the nicer we can be the more joy we all receive.

Love you all dearly.

xoa

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