Since posting a couple of weeks ago about not being sure I want to have a baby, my feelings have started to shift. Taking a risk by being so vulnerable here about that was huge for me. The amount of support that came through via comments and emails was incredible. I know for sure now that I am not alone in this and that this is a safe space to get real about my concerns and fears. Thank you for continuing to encourage and love me as I embark on this path of discovery.
A few major shifts have transpired. I had another amazing conversation with my Mom. She shared things with me I never knew before and shed some light on her experiences deciding to have children. My Mom knows a great deal about my life and fears around this topic but this was something new that we discussed together about her. It was one of the most healing conversations we have ever had. Connecting with her in this way was life affirming and heart opening. I saw more of her and myself and that was unbelievably transformative.
I started working with my life coach again. We worked together for a long while and it’s been about a year since our last session. It was great to be able to pick right up and get down to business. My coach has this way of cutting through the fog and getting right to the heart of the matter. I did a few writing assignments that were so helpful and went over all of it with him. I discovered during our session that many of my fears just didn’t hold up in the light of what could potentially be one of the most significant relationships of my life, the relationship between mother and child.
I have also spoken to half a dozen mothers, two doulas and one of my spiritual teachers about this. As you can tell I am not taking this lightly, but I’m not being fanatic about it either. Ultimately the answers come from within, they always do. Asking questions and discussing this with people I trust has been huge for me. I have learned a great deal from them and I am getting more in touch with what I want.
One of the most profound conversations I have had during this time was with a dear friend that reminded me I didn’t need to have it all figured out beforehand. Meaning, I don’t need to be 100% healed before considering if I want to have a child. One of my biggest fears around all of this is that I have past trauma that can never be healed and I don’t want to pass them on to anyone else. She shared with me (and this was confirmed by every Mother I spoke to) that having children is a big part of how we heal that trauma. My eyes welled up with tears as she said that. I am sure I had even read that in one of my prenatal yoga books but I really heard it from her. I am open and ready.
Today I am sitting with that openness. I don’t have to have it all figured out right now. I do know for sure that I don’t want my past experiences and fear to determine how I make decisions today, especially a major decision like this. One of my teachers gave me a new exercise. She suggested that I spend a few days in the “yes I want a child” camp. Try it on for size. Meditate on it. Breathe it in as much as I can. Try to connect with what it could be like. She also suggested that I spend a few days in the “no, I don’t want a child” camp and see what that feels like. I am going to play around with that over the next couple of weeks and let you know how it goes. I am actually looking forward to it ;)
So here we are. I haven’t made a decision but I am working towards that at a pace that feels right. I have been able to let go of so much grief and shame over these last weeks through talking about all of this and being willing to get honest about it. The power of sharing honestly never ceases to amaze me. I had been holding all of this baby talk inside for so long, feeling isolated and weird about it. Since opening up to all of you there is more lightness in this area. I am letting go and I know if I continue to show up and stay present, the answers will come.
Thank you all again for reaching out and staying connected. It means the world to me. I look forward to hearing from you.