6/12/2014

Relationship Realness: Baby Talk Part II

carolinemyss

Since posting a couple of weeks ago about not being sure I want to have a baby, my feelings have started to shift. Taking a risk by being so vulnerable here about that was huge for me. The amount of support that came through via comments and emails was incredible. I know for sure now that I am not alone in this and that this is a safe space to get real about my concerns and fears. Thank you for continuing to encourage and love me as I embark on this path of discovery.

A few major shifts have transpired. I had another amazing conversation with my Mom. She shared things with me I never knew before and shed some light on her experiences deciding to have children. My Mom knows a great deal about my life and fears around this topic but this was something new that we discussed together about her. It was one of the most healing conversations we have ever had. Connecting with her in this way was life affirming and heart opening. I saw more of her and myself and that was unbelievably transformative.

I started working with my life coach again. We worked together for a long while and it’s been about a year since our last session. It was great to be able to pick right up and get down to business. My coach has this way of cutting through the fog and getting right to the heart of the matter. I did a few writing assignments that were so helpful and went over all of it with him. I discovered during our session that many of my fears just didn’t hold up in the light of what could potentially be one of the most significant relationships of my life, the relationship between mother and child.

I have also spoken to half a dozen mothers, two doulas and one of my spiritual teachers about this. As you can tell I am not taking this lightly, but I’m not being fanatic about it either. Ultimately the answers come from within, they always do. Asking questions and discussing this with people I trust has been huge for me. I have learned a great deal from them and I am getting more in touch with what I want.

One of the most profound conversations I have had during this time was with a dear friend that reminded me I didn’t need to have it all figured out beforehand. Meaning, I don’t need to be 100% healed before considering if I want to have a child. One of my biggest fears around all of this is that I have past trauma that can never be healed and I don’t want to pass them on to anyone else. She shared with me (and this was confirmed by every Mother I spoke to) that having children is a big part of how we heal that trauma. My eyes welled up with tears as she said that. I am sure I had even read that in one of my prenatal yoga books but I really heard it from her. I am open and ready.

Today I am sitting with that openness. I don’t have to have it all figured out right now. I do know for sure that I don’t want my past experiences and fear to determine how I make decisions today, especially a major decision like this. One of my teachers gave me a new exercise. She suggested that I spend a few days in the “yes I want a child” camp. Try it on for size. Meditate on it. Breathe it in as much as I can. Try to connect with what it could be like. She also suggested that I spend a few days in the “no, I don’t want a child” camp and see what that feels like. I am going to play around with that over the next couple of weeks and let you know how it goes. I am actually looking forward to it ;)

So here we are. I haven’t made a decision but I am working towards that at a pace that feels right. I have been able to let go of so much grief and shame over these last weeks through talking about all of this and being willing to get honest about it. The power of sharing honestly never ceases to amaze me. I had been holding all of this baby talk inside for so long, feeling isolated and weird about it. Since opening up to all of you there is more lightness in this area. I am letting go and I know if I continue to show up and stay present, the answers will come.

 

Thank you all again for reaching out and staying connected. It means the world to me. I look forward to hearing from you.

 

xoa

Comments

  • Stacy

    Time has made us into very different people with very different approaches to/in the world, but I love you just as much now as I did then. <3

    • ashley

      Love you too lady! So much. It’s wonderful to grow and change and still care about each other. Sending you lots of love. xoa

  • Rebekkah drake

    I love this post! I feel a lot of the things you are talking about. I often feel I would be so happy with out kids. Sleeping traveling giving all my love to my husband, pets and friends. I feel like that could be/would be enough. Then other times I think it would be the most amazing wonderful journey to have a baby! I recently had a friend say, look for signs. If you see pregnant women everywhere and see babies and it fills you with a longing maybe that is your path. and I had another friend, who just became a dad, tell me that he used to fear the lack if sleep. He thought it would make him crazy and turn him into not a nice person. But he found out, that the lack of sleep for someone you love so much has been so worth it. He’s said it’s the exact opposite of waking up at 4 in the morning to go to a job he hates. He has found more love and more energy and courage than ever before. I don’t know your past trama you spoke about but I went through a trama recently and had someone say having child growing inside you is one of the most healing experiences one can have. I hope the universe continues to reveal your path to you! The way in which you are seeking makes me know that you will indeed find your answers! Sending you lots of love and healing!

    • ashley

      Hi Rebekkah,
      Thanks so much for sharing. I love what you wrote. I will look for signs, that is beautiful. Interestingly I am getting more clients that want to have children and a few of them just found out they are pregnant. I am shifting my practice at work to give them what they need as far as nutrition and yoga are concerned. It’s pretty wild how this all started happening after that first post a few weeks ago. I for sure believe there are no mistakes ;)
      Also, I really appreciate the story about the new father. That is just so beautiful. I can picture that in my mind very clearly and it is just like my Mom said to me, she had no idea she could love someone so much, like she didn’t think it was possible until she had my brother and I. I’ve heard similar things about the healing of growing a baby, I’m just in awe of these stories. I am terribly sorry for your trauma and I am grateful to read such positivity coming through from you! It’s refreshing. I am happy to connect on so many levels and that we are in this together. Wishing you lots of light and love this week. xoa

  • topa

    Hi Ashley, thanks for sharing (again)! The meditation camp idea sounds great, maybe I will try it out too. All the best to you! :-)

    • ashley

      You’re welcome ;) Yes, join me! It’s much more fun to do this in a group. Wishing you a wonderful week. xoa

  • Jocelyn

    Hey lady,
    It is nice to hear someone else struggling with the same concepts and life decisions I am. I watch as all my friends both old and new settle in to marriage and motherhood and I’ve tried really hard to be true to myself on the subject and not to just swim with the current. I feel like my feelings in regards to motherhood change from day to day. I am question whether it is truly something that I desire, something that I would be good at, something that would bring me joy. I wonder some times if the social expectation for what I should be doing has just started to overwhelm me or if I would want family for all the selfish wrong reasons like loneliness, jealousy for what I might miss, or boredom and upon gaining a family find that it isn’t what I wanted at all. Of course then I wake the next day I am certain that I want a family and I think of how fulfilling it might be to nourish that part of life, to build a strong healthy family and to sustain my happiness thru its strength. I think of the bond I have seen among other families, the love, the kinship and I think I want to create that. This is a very long comment. I just want you to know I also face a lot of questions when motherhood or even marriage come in to play and while I don’t want my fear of failure to impact such a big decision I also want to make the decision consciously and carefully. I think your ideas on coming to a resolution for what your heart really wants are great. I may very well try them myself. And as for healing, I feel ya girl. But just between you and me and everyone else on the internet, you are fabulous. I see the care and thought with which you do everything in your life and I know you would be (if you chose to do so) a wonderful mother, and I also know that if you chose to go on being that artistic, inspiring childless woman that you are that you would undoubtably find a family in all that surrounded you. I know that whichever you choose, it will be the right choice. Somehow I am so clear that you will be happy regardless.
    Love you

    • ashley

      Hi Jocelyn!
      So great to hear from you! I think of you so often and I am glad we are in this together. I totally relate to everything you wrote. It changes daily for me too and same thing with marriage. Funny, the baby idea is so much scarier to me than getting married. I agree about the social aspect too and think about how it has influenced me in this area. There is so much to consider and like you I want to be awake for this decision because it is so huge and life changing. It’s amazing to see Claire be a mom. I wish you were closer so we could all spend time together. She is changing and it’s incredible to witness. When did we get all grown up?! Sometimes I feel all grown and other times I still feel like a kid. I like that though, I think it’s important to connect with feeling young. I feel the exact same about you and know deep down the decision will come to you and it will be the right one. Here’s to continuing to show up and pay attention to what we truly desire. Sending you lots of love this week and always. Love, a

  • Kate

    I came across your web site looking at recipes and ended up here – so it feels a little weird to write a comment; but I can relate a lot to what you are thinking about – so I wanted to leave a note. ;) I’m 33, and the last year or two, I’ll get this feeling like my whole life is being decided right now (!) and I have to do the right things or I’ll be forever derailed!… And I guess at least it means I’m conscious of there being decisions; but it can be hard to keep your perspective – and realize that my future has always been decided by the right nows that I’ve lived – and it always will be… There’s nothing super special about this moment – except that it is this moment; and I’ll lose it if I get too caught up thinking about what could be or should be… Anyway I think the quote you have at the top is really perfect… :) So here’s to now and to the future! :)

    • ashley

      Hi Kate,
      It is so wonderful to hear from you. I am glad that you shared all of this. It’s such a big topic and it’s important to connect with each other about it. I love what you said about the future being decided by the ‘right nows’ that really resonated for me. It really is all about staying present in the moment and keeping perspective. Thank you for this beautiful reminder! Wishing you a wonderful rest of the week and thanks again for sharing with us! xoa

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