It would be impossible for me to tell you how many times I have doubted myself, told myself something wasn’t possible, and felt at my core I am totally unworthy of pretty much everything including oxygen. Okay. That was dramatic! Truth be told I haven’t felt THAT badly about myself since I was drinking and obliterating my body with drugs years ago, but, I’d be dishonest if I said that I feel feel worthy of love 100% of the time.
I’ve been considering lately where I got the idea that I needed to feel anything ALL of the time. It’s such an old idea, like from my youth. It’s got that childlike quality of black and white, all or nothing. Learning to grow up emotionally has often been about making friends with the grey areas, seeking out the nuances, and understanding that life is actually a spectrum of feelings that change with the seasons, the moon, my environment, and even what I ate for lunch. In essence, feelings are fluctuating constantly.
I never learned how to make real space for and accept my deep sensitivities as a child. This is one of the reasons I sought comfort in numbing myself as often as possible. Though I was quite self-destructive in my youth I also became a creator. I danced, I painted, and played piano. I wrote for countless hours in my diary. In many ways my art became a container for the intense feelings of confusion, loneliness, and sadness I experienced so often. Art was how I kept breathing and numbing myself was how I turned off my racing mind.
I was a super sensitive child as some of you know. I would cry when other kids would cry which looking back was never something that was truly celebrated. The lack of real space to feel all of my feelings and positive reinforcement that being super sensitive wasn’t a bad way to be, gave me a clear message to not accept myself and feel unworthy. I had to make up my own world to survive emotionally and in that world I wrote epic poetry, became a ballerina, and painted deeply moving pictures. In that cocoon I built for myself I also checked out with drugs when the emotions rose to the surface became too much to process.
As I navigate this world as a grown woman I have learned to give myself an expanded container for all of my intense feelings. I have created space for myself to fully express the full spectrum of my emotions in ways that honor my artistry instead of my tendency to self destruct. I have sought out teachers and resources to support my sensitivity and have come to really like that aspect of myself.
How cool is to to be able to read people’s energy and feel their feelings?! It’s the coolest and I am grateful that this sensitivity, or as I like to refer to it as my magic powers (which btw we all have), no longer feels like a burden or like something is wrong with me. It feels like a huge present from the universe and from my family.
By accepting my sensitivity I have been able to feel worthy of love. Do I feel worthy of it all of the time? No, but I believe that I am much more than how I might feel at one point or another. Even though I have an incredible capacity to feel, I am not my feelings. None of us are. We are so much more.
Today I want to live in those grey areas. Through my practice of meditation, yoga, and working with others, I can totally get down with the idea that I don’t even need to be a ball of mushy love and light 100% of the time. Like most of us that are involved in this amazing foundation-shaking spiritual existence, I’ve got not only my stuff to sort out but stuff that was passed down to me from generations. Sometimes it’s a lot of work being conscious, you know?
When I come back to that place of remembering hey, it’s not ALL your work here, some of this is from your lineage, I can lighten up a bit. Grounding myself in that truth, that it’s not all mine to heal, I walk back towards love because at the end of the day, love is our true nature. I believe that is true 100% of the time, even if I don’t feel it in a given moment.
And I wouldn’t change it for anything. Not one little (or giant) thing. Truth be told I cringe a little bit at the thought of giving credit to all those 12-steppers that told me ‘acceptance is the answer’, but damn if there isn’t a really fucking giant morsel of truth to those very words.
Acceptance is the answer.
With acceptance comes allowing myself to feeling all the feelings no matter what, understanding that sometimes pains from the past need to be felt again in order to fully heal.
With acceptance comes excitement about being an emotional human who has a laser focused sense of intuition.
With acceptance comes letting myself off the hook for having moments or days when I feel off or sad.
With acceptance comes learning to manage my energy, getting clear on what is mine to work through and what is mine to let go of.
With acceptance comes focusing on myself versus comparing my insides to someone else’s outsides.
With acceptance comes true freedom and many moments joy.
With acceptance comes complete transformation.
By accepting who I am completely, fully, and without judgement, my heart opens and with that opening comes the sweetest peace of mind anyone could ask for.
Sending love to you all right now.