I have been dating someone for a couple of months and it has been amazing. For the first time, I am connecting with someone from who I am today, instead of who I have been in the past. It has been very healing and powerful for me.
Most of my past relationships were based on shared mutual pain and trauma. I had been through so much and relating on those difficult and sad times enabled me to connect to another person in a deep way. I am not saying this is bad or wrong now, it is simply how I felt most comfortable in relationship to others.
Over the last few years I have let go of a lot. So much. I made a commitment to myself that I would no longer be in relationships with people that reinforced my past hurts. Instead I would choose those who supported me to continue growing into the person I want to be. The truth is that person has always been there, she was just hidden by a ton of emotional baggage. Now that I have put down much of what I had been carrying and holding on to, it seems fitting to meet someone from a place of health rather than sickness.
While we were lying on my bed today I was looking at him and became overwhelmed with emotions. I had an intense strain in my chest and it felt as if my heart was breaking open. There were a few seconds where the room fell silent and all that went through my head was, I really want to be good to him. That was it. I know it might not sound like much but it moved me to tears.
For most of my life I thought I was broken in the romantic relationship department. I thought I would never be able to have the love that I so desired because of my past, because I did not deserve it and because I was too emotional. Today I see the main reason I have been shut off from this love is because of my beliefs. I believed my past messed me up beyond repair, I believed I did not deserve love and I believed I was too emotional. My faulty belief system kept me making poor decisions when it came to dating because the people that were in front of me reflected back to me what I believed about myself.
Sure I still have doubts. When I am emotional like I was earlier this evening I get a little afraid. The difference today is that I talk about what is going on and I don’t let the doubt take over. I don’t censor myself as much as I might like to in a particular moment because I want new experiences. I already know what it’s like to have feelings and shut down around people. I’ve been doing that since I was a kid. It’s was more exciting and interesting to allow myself to have those feelings around him and trust that if we are supposed to be together we will – my feelings will not be “too much”.
Allowing myself to be vulnerable and admit that deep down I just want to be good to the person I am with shows me how far I have come. This is not about me trying to fill a void or get something. It is a about a genuine desire to support his growth and watch him flourish. This is very new territory for me and I could not be more grateful or inspired. To have these incredible feelings of my heart breaking open is one of the most profound experiences I have had recently. I know now in a way I never have before that I am fully capable of having the love I desire and that nothing about me is broken.