Giving myself loads of room to make mistakes this week, particularly my intimate relationships. Over the years I’ve learned to take major risks in all areas of my life and now I’m moving into this phase I’m calling subtle mastery. I know, and I feel it in my body when I’m not being 100 percent transparent in my closest relationships.
The other night Nic and I had a heated discussion that turned into an argument in the car. I felt my energy rising so much that I jumped out of the car, slammed the door and went into the hotel room. I immediately took off my sandals and started pacing. The tension was rising at such a rapid pace, my heart was pounding and I was muttering under my breath. After about two minutes of that I paused and took in a huge inhale. I held it for a long while then exhaled. In a matter of seconds I saw the choice I had made in past relationships flash before my eyes. I’d get into the shower, continue to let the tension mount and by the time he came into the room I’d be so activated that I’d try to pick a fight or totally shut down.
Right after those images I took and held another deep breath. After the exhale I tuned into my heart and it told me to go out to the car, apologize and be honest about what was really going on with me.
When I got back into the car my energy was completely different. No longer activated and defensive I become open and vulnerable. In that space we were able to have a deeply healing conversation that shifted the course of our evening and well into the next day. And the more I write about it the more I see just what a major impact it had on my heart, nervous system and capacity to shift super old, way outdated programming in just a matter of minutes.
In a future world I hope to be able to not have to get out of the car, slam the door and have that process but I have zero shame about any of it today. What I learned through that somatically began the work of integrating at a new level for myself and for our relationship. By taking just a few breaths I was able to shift my energy and ground myself to be able to show up the way I really wanted to that night, for myself, for Nic and for the foundation we are building together.
So this week I’m setting the intention to not do it perfectly but to show up with heart, with spirit, and with my full breath. Because the truth is I’ve got this and so does he. All my heart. x