On the first day of this year I participated in a fire walk. I realize how strange that might sound but after the wild 2015 I had, a fire walk totally made sense. I was beyond ready to give the fire all of the heartache, pain, limiting beliefs and sadness I had been working through for what felt like forever.
2015 was one for the books. It was such a foundation shaking year on every level imaginable. If you told me this time last year everything that went down would happen, I would have been fine moving to a cabin in the woods and never speaking to anyone again. It was so much to move through and I’m not one of those people that believes, if you couldn’t handle it the universe wouldn’t be giving it to you. I’m calling bullshit on that right now! Sometimes life is incredibly hard and it has nothing to do with you being able to handle it or not. What it does have to do with is your willingness to open into it, fumble your way through it, and tell the truth when you’re in the darkness.
A week before the fire walk I moved out of the home Jason and I created. I spent several days crying on the couch giving myself full permission to just be and feel. I leaned into every wretched emotion that surfaced and by the grace of spirit was able to crack open completely.
Making a decision to let go of a relationship that wasn’t totally messed up was something new for me. In my past partnerships it was glaringly obvious we were in two completely different places which made the breakups a no-brainer. With Jason it was unclear for a long time because on paper we had it all. We were the golden couple the first few months we spent together. At some point things shifted so much that we couldn’t find our way back to the center. We were just two people, holding onto our expectations and disappointments, until we finally made the most loving decision we could make, to let each other go.
I decided to walk on fire in late October of last year. After hearing how powerful it was for some of my friends I knew it was something I needed to do. It called to my very core, and once that decision was made I thought about it almost everyday. I told my close friends and family and most of them thought I was a little nuts but everyone was supportive. They knew what a rough time I was having and they believed I knew what was best for me.
And I needed this fire walk desperately. I needed as much help as I could get to burn off the negative thought forms that ruled my life, especially the one about not being worthy of a partner that could fully see, feel, and love me. I also needed to transmute some of the darkest pain that my body was still hanging on to, the belief that I was totally unworthy of honest, raw, life changing love.
The weekend before the fire walk I wrote lists of what I was ready to ask the fire to help me shift. I was willing to give her everything and trusted that she could handle it and help show me the way. There are no accidents. It was divine order that two weeks after moving out from our house I found myself at the edge of those bright, hot coals, breathing deeply, knowing even before I took one step my life would be forever changed.
And before I knew it I was howling at the moon, fixated on the north star, feeling the most intense energy flow up through the soles of my feet and out the top of my head. In a trance I jumped into my friend’s arms at the end of the coals and my entire body vibrated at a frequency no drug could ever touch. This was pure and wild, working with the fire element so directly. That night I felt a huge crack in the shame I carried for so many years and felt in the core of my being I was here to create a new version of my story.
Five months after this fire walk I am sitting in the proof of my friends words, nothing post fire walk is the same. My life has accelerated in such beautiful ways and I am more grounded and clear and sure of myself than I have ever been. I know what my gifts are, what I have to offer this world and the critical messages of my story –
transmuting pain into joy, loss into generosity, unworthiness into grace, and fear into the soul expanding love I’ve always known was possible.
I set some pretty hefty intentions after that fire walk at the first of the year and everything on my list has come to pass. These days I’m presented with opportunity after opportunity to trust my intuition, to bet on myself instead of always betting on the house, and to say no to anything that isn’t a 100% hands down hell yes.
I’ve always known what I’ve needed and wanted in my life and been able to manifest anything. The piece that has been missing up until this year was healing the shame and unworthiness I’ve carried since I was born on an energetic and emotional level. I could talk about shame and unworthiness all day long but until I started really clearing it, everything I manifested wasn’t quite right. And because I wasn’t fully in my radiance and power, I went ahead with whatever was presented, not fully trusting myself or the universe.
Today I know that when something is not quite right I need to take a step back and let it go. When I look over my life I see how I have been guided, taken care of, loved and supported along the way. This is where I source my trust, my experiences. I also see that every time I have said no to anything that wasn’t quite right, a more ideal experience was just around the corner and full of even more magic.
As I take the time to look ahead at the rest of this year and feel into where I want to go, who I want to support and how I want to love, I can’t help but come back to the powerful night on those burning coals.
I am more than ready for the whole thing. I trust myself enough to release anything that isn’t the whole thing. And when the whole thing shows up I will step up into brighter light, grace, and joy because this is what I’ve been waiting for.
Sending you all so much love.