In the last couple of days I have had deeply moving and profound conversations with people and it has become clear, once again, that my spiritual journey is the most important journey for me. Honestly it terrifies me to admit that sometimes. I still have ideas about what I think my life should look like, who I think I should be in relationships with, how I should or shouldn’t act in those relationships, how much money I should be making……these ideas which I fully understand are fixed, limited and not based in the truth of who I really am cause me to suffer. And really it’s not even the ideas or thoughts it’s the attachments to them and the belief systems I create around them that make me want to hide out in my house or flee the country and live a celibate life in an ashram for who knows how long.

Instead of running away, instead of allowing my thoughts to determine all of my actions, instead of choosing to view this pain as a reason to close my heart I am here, in it, facing it, getting to know it and moving though it. I’ve been reminded twice this week that living in a way that is inline with my highest purpose might mean letting go of all the ways I think my life should look and surrendering to the moment, what is actually happening here and now. The truth is if I continued to get what I think I want most of the time I’d been selling myself short. The death of one thing inevitably leads to the birth of something else. I have to move through all the grief and pain in order to experience what is surely on the other side, something more beautiful than I can imagine in this moment.

In order to truly love I must be willing to forgive. Love cannot exist without forgiveness. This past week I have been practicing forgiving myself in order to see that I am not “bad” or “wrong”, I am simply a person that gets scared sometimes. I want to be loved unconditionally and love others unconditionally as well. Phew. Practicing forgiveness is not a joke. It is serious spiritual work. It’s easy to say you forgive and secretly harbor resentment but to truly forgive someone in your heart is the work of a brave person for in forgiveness we allow ourself and others to be completely as we/they are. In forgiveness we accept things as is which opens the door for love. When we can see ourselves as these amazing creatures with all of our potential to love and hate and cheat and inspire we begin to know boundless love that has immense power to heal.

Today I want to practice forgiveness as a way to open my heart and life to more of what love has to offer. I want to let myself off the hook for making mistakes, for causing any confusion or harm to myself and others. I want to forgive others for any confusion and harm they have caused me because I don’t want to hang on to the hurt. In practicing forgiveness I am able to see that we are all doing the best we can and it isn’t always easy and pretty. Forgiveness doesn’t mean I have to like the action or behavior that upset me, it means that I separate that from the person in order to let my pain go and move into real love.

My mantra:

I forgive you.

I forgive you.

I forgive you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

xoa

Photo: Marielle Chua