I talked to my mom on the phone twice today and my heart feels so full. We are in such a grounded place in our relationship and a big part of that is because of the way she’s been showing up for us. The year I stopped drinking my mom and I started going to therapy together and after a few sessions joined a therapy group that we stayed in for a year. At the time everything in my life was new without drinking or using and I had no idea just how brave we were until much later. I laugh thinking about the times early on when both of us would get activated in the group and be scrambling for the door at the same time! That was one of the first moments in my adult life I was able to recognize how similar we were.
Flash forward sixteen years and there has been more healing in our relationship than I ever dreamed possible. When things are challenging these days we have learned how to stay grounded and lean into each other instead of running for the quickest way out. One of the biggest life lessons I’ve been navigating lately is how to stay. To stay with my breath. To stay in my body. To stay with the intensity of feelings. To stay receptive. Learning how to stay has been teaching me mountains about what it means to trust. In trusting we have to stay true to our hearts, we have to stay embodied.
Loss has been a huge theme in my life this past month and I’ve been reaching out to my parents on a more regular basis. I feel the frailty of life and the time passing at such a swift rate. I don’t want to have too many regrets about times I didn’t spend with my mom, praise I didn’t give her or gratitude I didn’t express every time we spoke. So today in my calls I said what was on my heart. I shared how much it meant to me, the way she’s been showing up for Nic and I. I told her how much I cherished her ear and her wisdom and humor. I told her how proud I was of her for taking care of her finances and allowing herself to have more fun lately. Witnessing her willingness to grow to her best ability is one of the greatest teachings her life has offered me. Mama bear, as I call her, I love you so.
Snapshot of my mom and I in Italy in the 80’s.