This morning I woke up feeling tired and unhappy. I know a big part of it is because my cycle started in the middle of the night and I had a terrible bout of insomnia. When it was time to get up my body felt so heavy and I just didn’t want to start the day. Thankfully I know myself well enough to take it easy today because I get tender on my cycle.
Lately I’ve been falling into the trap of I’ll feel better when xyz happens. I’ve found myself spending too much time comparing myself to others which ALWAYS leaves me feeling like total shit about myself. I’ve also been getting caught up in feeling like I’m not producing enough meaning, I am not of value exactly as I am in each moment. Part of me feels torn about sharing this with you all today but if you’ve been here for a while you know I have to keep it real. Sharing all of myself including the parts I’d like to just brush under the rug and pretend like they aren’t happening, is crucial for my self care and spiritual growth.
Telling the truth is potent medicine.
And I’m telling on myself. This move has been so much harder than I ever imagined. It has shaken me down to the core on some issues that I am going back to therapy for starting this Friday. I need more support. There are still some places in my life especially around my relationship with Jason where I am lost and want to grow. To be honest I am really afraid to go into some of these dark corners but I will go there because that is what I know to do. Experience has proven time and time again that when I shed light on the darkness I am able to live with more freedom. The pain of looking the darkness head on is so much less than the discomfort and confusion I live in when I look the other way.
I’m here to look deep within no matter what.
And this brings me to my question, how can I love myself more? We’re all going through really big stuff right now. I’m sure you can feel that in some, if not several areas of your life. Major transformations are happening in the lives of all of my friends and clients. The collective energy is there and it’s time to, as my teacher would say, sprinkle some love on it.
As I sit here writing this so much is coming to the surface around how I haven’t been loving myself enough lately. Today I am ready to take a step towards committing to loving myself more through these difficult changes. I am giving myself permission to dive deep into the darkness trusting that is where wisdom is born and true love rests. I am also giving myself permission to turn down the outside noise and just focus on being gentle with myself. There is so much power in unplugging from the noise, the unfounded beliefs and stories that aren’t even ours to begin with.
How can I love myself more? By coming home to myself. By breathing in compassion and breathing out fear. I can love myself more by reminding myself as often as I need to be reminded, that I am enough exactly as I am and that nothing out there no matter how shiny it appears to be will make me more than I already am.
I am enough.
I am enough.
I am enough.