Sometimes self-love can seem like such a tall order. This is especially true for me if I am sad or going through a difficult time. Recently I have been going through a lot. I haven’t blogged about any of this because it never really felt like a good time and I don’t want to go into it too much tonight but suffice it to say that as of a couple of weeks ago I am no longer taking synthetic hormones to regulate my body. I have been working with an amazing naturopath for the last eight months that specializes in women’s health. She is helping me get my body back to a balanced state with herbs and for that I am very grateful.
Since I have been off the synthetic hormones my actual hormones are totally out of wack. I’ve had a very difficult time and for a while wasn’t talking to anyone about it. Not talking led my mind to some dark places. A great deal of fears and insecurities that I haven’t felt to such an extreme in a while came to the surface. I was crying myself to sleep every night and waking up feeling like I hadn’t slept more than an hour. It was rough. As a result of all of this I behaved in less than ideal ways and today I sat with the feelings of the consequences of my actions.
Earlier this evening I was talking with a friend about how crappy I was feeling and it became clear that it wasn’t my behavior that was causing me the pain it was how I responded to it. I beat myself up a great deal. I started to internalize the negative self-talk, “I am a bad person because….” “this is why I am unlovable” “I am not enough for people” “I am too much”, and once that took hold the sadness increased ten-fold. In talking about it I was reminded that really the work here is to love myself – all of myself – even in times when I am messy and not putting my best foot forward. The reality is I am not a bad or crazy person – I am a human doing my best each day to show up and be present with myself even when it doesn’t feel good.
If I can’t love all of myself how can I expect anyone else to? If I am hiding parts of myself out of childhood based fears chances are I will never know true love because people won’t be able to experience me, they will be experiencing what I decide they can, not the fullness of who I actually am. I don’t always have it together. I am afraid of intimacy like a lot of us are. Sometimes it is hard for me to ask for what I need and sometimes I don’t act inline with my ideals. Today I am working towards seeing myself as I am – all of myself. The more I look and open up the more I can let love in and trust that who I am is totally amazing and good even when I have some undesirable days.
As I write this on a Sunday evening I am committing to love myself no matter what this week. I am going to forgive myself for my wrongs, let them go and not let them define me. I am going to practice being gentle with myself through this transition my body is going through and remember that it is okay to feel out of sorts and talk to people about it – the people that love me show up and want to support me through this time. I am going to do something special for myself each day. Maybe buy some new music, go to the sauna, walk around the neighborhood, whatever it is I will be conscious that I am taking extra time to be kind to myself. Above all I will share my true self with others even if it feels awkward and doesn’t look how I think it should look. I am willing to take these risks to know myself in new ways and let others into my life.