Ever heard that song, “this little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine“? A couple of years ago that really got under my skin. A friend sang it to me once during a rough conversation about following our dreams and opening up to the world. I was in a huge transition at the time and was getting ready to move again, this time leaving Portland for good. Those words made me incredibly uncomfortable because I knew, and had known my entire life that I have a higher purpose and was afraid to fully unleash it on the world.
Fast forward two years later and that same friend and I are sitting in a coffee shop in Echo Park and I tell him I am no longer afraid to let the light out. I go on about the work I’ve been doing with my life coach and spiritual teachers and how for the first time in my life I feel like all of the pieces are totally integrated—I no longer feel like a fragmented person because there are no parts of myself I am unwilling to look at or unwilling to share with others. This is the foundation for living with integrity and I am here to report that there is nothing to fear.
All those years I spent hiding out, afraid of living up to my potential because as my friend so bluntly put, “you are going to blind some m**fuckers in the process.” Sorry for the vulgarity but that is what he said and when the words came out of his mouth I laughed because it is the truth. The more we let our authentic selves out into the world the more we are going to come up against people that try to dim our light. Usually it makes them uncomfortable because they probably aren’t going after their dreams the way you are or they aren’t being 100 percent transparent in their relationships like you are. Trust me. This is part of the process and I know from experience on both sides of it.
Last year I dated someone who was in many ways very good for me. I learned a great deal about myself in the months that we spent together and though I was heartbroken when it ended I knew deep down it was for the best. Looking back it makes perfect sense. We were in totally different places emotionally and spiritually and in many ways he was beginning a way of life that I have already been working towards for over a decade. I remember thinking to myself recently, if I were in his position I would not want to date me! Not because there is anything wrong with me but because I am so committed to changing and growing and learning and being with a person like that is intense! I definitely met people like that in my earlier years and they scared me because they always wanted to talk about their feelings and they were committed to showing up and I was not ready for that at all.
Today I am grateful to be in a place where I am no longer afraid of myself. I am not afraid of my darkness or my light. I have taken more risks and really put myself out there in ways I never imagined possible this last year and now I see just how much is possible—it’s infinite and that is awesome. I spent years and years not giving my all out of fear and I’m just done! No more. I wish I had come to this decision a few years earlier but, hey, we are ready when we are ready, and there is no sense in wasting time thinking about what could have been. Right here, right now, is all we have.
Photo: Anaïs & Dax