I‘ve officially been an Oakland resident for 11 days and am slowly settling into life up here. My daily writing practice has fallen off a bit on the journal and I am here, recommitting to getting back into the swing of things. I forgot how much energy it takes to move to a new city and truth be told I was pretty exhausted my last couple of weeks in LA.
It has been such good practice for me to stay gentle with myself during this major transition of moving my life up north and in with Nic. I know deep down this was the right choice for me, it’s just taking a while to really sink into life up here. I also know from all of the moving I have done in the past it will be another month or two before I am fully integrated. Being comfortable in the middle of the settling is something that I am really showing up for. Despite the fact that Nic and I started a cleanse 2 days ago, thank you Lacy for the inspiration, I must say that things are looking up!
Note to future self: maybe don’t start a cleanse before you have unpacked the garage. It’s beginning to look a lot like hoarder status on our back steps. #realtalk.
Something I mentioned in early February was that I felt scattered writing in so many places all of the time. Well, it’s been 2.5 months and I am still feeling a little un-grounded in terms of stream lining my writing practice. A big part of that is of course the move and also feeling like I need to keep up with the crazy machine that is Instagram. I know. I know it’s not real and that there is nothing to actually keep up with there. And on many days I can set my screaming little attention starved ego aside and recognize that there is an incredible, magnificent world outside of my iPhone, and if I take two seconds to look at the hummingbirds in the front lawn I will remember how awesome real life is. And another part of all of this is missing L.A. and my friends and wanting to keep with all the new places that are opening up in my old neighborhood.
Oh there are loads of feelings to be felt in this space between here and there. In this space of right here right now. The practice of getting okay with this place. This place where my office is still in boxes. This place where I am a little unsure how my life going to work out. This place where it’s challenging to recognize that rest and relaxation doesn’t have to equal depression. This place where I decide what constitutes an authentic writing practice. This place where I am revisited by ghosts from my past and am learning even more about boundaries. This place where not doing anything huge and important on the outside is actually moving mountains on the inside. This place where if I can just remember to let my breath go and allow myself feel, all will be okay.
And the thing is, it isn’t about the writing. My practice will be grounded when I am grounded. My life will slow down when I slow down. My ego will take the back seat when I let my heart run the show, fully, completely, and without hesitation. It is possible. I’ve been there. I will be there again. Right now I am here, smack dab in the middle of uncertainty and truth be told I am even enjoying it. Just a little.
So tonight, on this clear and receptive full moon my humble prayer is this:
May I breathe into the discomfort and create space for my destiny to reveal itself.
May I soften the rigid places in my thinking and craft new beliefs around what it means to work.
May I find balance in the ups and downs that are part of this transition and part of life.
May I confront any lies I’ve been telling myself and others in favor of radical vulnerability and collective healing.
May I stand strong like a tree, flexible in the wind and rooted in the present.
May I turn inward in times of fear and learn to trust in the wisdom and knowing of my heart.
All my heart.
Photo x Anaïs & Dax