Before I got to the place where I was even willing to put up an online dating profile I took steps to clean house and make room for the relationship I wanted. I was given a mantra by a yoga teacher that I study with one-on-one. I chanted this mantra every morning for close to nine months. I did some serious soul-searching with my life coach. I completed the in depth workbook, Calling in “The One”: 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life. This might sound like a lot and for those of you that don’t have years of “stuff” to deal with regarding relationships. I however, had my work cut out for me as I was a bit underdeveloped in this area and needed some help.
If you are not ready for a loving, grown up relationship, that is okay. We are all in different places and the reality is not everyone is cut out for them. We do not all have the drive to do the deep work they take once someone shows up in our life. If you are in a place where you have a desire for love and are ready to make that kind of commitment to yourself and another person, follow my suggestions below.
1. Get rid of emotional baggage. Yeah. This one is the most difficult for sure. This is the step I spent nearly a year on ;) But not to worry, it might not take that long for you! If you know you have past trauma, tons of resentments or are still hung up on a ex or two, get some help. I work with clients in this capacity and would be honored to support you. Having a live person to talk through my baggage with was incredibly helpful. It is important to work with someone that has experience in this area and that is in a loving, committed relationship themselves. If you can’t budget a session with me now, spend a week doing my emotional detox and see what you are able to work through on your own. This is a great way to get clear and let go.
2. Make room for a relationship. This tip is two-fold. First, become willing to move on from people that are not healthy for you. We’ve all had them. The friends that weigh us down but we keep hanging out with because it seems easier than actually dealing with our feelings. No more. If you want your dream person to present themselves, you have to be available and open not only with time in your day but on an energetic level as well.
The second part of this is to literally make room. Clean out a drawer in your dresser. Get a full or queen-size bed if you have a twin. Make sure that you have an extra towel, cup, plate, etc. I know this sounds funny but trust me, you are preparing for that person. These actions create energetic and physical space for them to come into your life.
3. Visualize what you want. Get super clear on what you want. Spend time imagining the kind of person you want to be with. What are their beliefs, interests, and values? Write down on a piece of paper all the qualities you want your partner to embody. Next, write down an actual scenario of you spending time with this person. Think of a brief moment to share with them. Once you have that moment down, spend time each day visualizing it. Imagine every single detail—the colors, the light, the smells, and the sounds. The last stage is to feel like you have what you want. When we are able to create the feeling of being in that space it begins to come true. We manifest what we want.
Think about how you can taste food when someone describes it to you, or how you can actually smell a flower without the flower being present if you concentrate hard enough. This is is the level of attention and dedication you must cultivate in order for this step to work. I know it’s odd in the beginning, but trust me, I did this practice for two months and have manifested that exact experience I created with the person I am involved with. It’s incredible.
4. Try something new. If you want different results in your romantic life you must be willing to date differently than you have in the past. Sounds obvious right? First, date the person NOT the potential. Yes. I’ve been there more than once. More than twice and three times. It’s like I was addicted to the potential in people. No longer. Today I choose to be present with the person I am with and experience them for who they are, not who I want them to be or what I think they could be at some point.
Second, step outside your comfort zone! I know I talk about that a lot on the journal, but it totally applies here too. This was huge for me. In an effort to open up my energy and widen the dating net so-to-speak I went on a dating site. With the help of my coach we created a profile that really showcased my qualities and as a result some very interesting people reached out to me. If online dating isn’t for you try some meet up groups, check out new local cafes, ask people you know and trust if they have any single friends. It’s easy to say we want a relationship, it’s another to get out there and be proactive about it.
Lastly, stretch yourself. So often we fall into patterns and realize once again, we are dating the same person. Date people who are different from who you usually date. Chances are part of why things aren’t working is because you need to switch it up. Who cares if they aren’t the best dresser or have the coolest record collection. Those are not the things that make for lasting relationships. Focus on how the person lives their life and what their values are. Recognize there is much more to attraction than the crazy love-at-first-sight stuff most of us experience in our teenage years.
Above all be kind, honest and open. Clear away what no longer works. Focus on what you want and make yourself available to receive it.