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Third Trimester Feels

I’m just over 4 months postpartum and am feeling ready to write about my experience during the third trimester. I had no idea how long it would take me to get to this place and I didn’t put any pressure on myself to rush here. These months postpartum have been some of the most heart expanding and confronting of my life. I needed to give myself plenty of time to get to a space where I could feel back into the third trimester and write about it.

In some ways the third trimester was a continuation of the physical, spiritual, and psychic expansion I felt in the first and second. In the physical realm it was all about my growing body, increasing blood volume, thicker hair, and huge appetite! In the spiritual realm my capacity grew in order to hold myself and the developing babe who I now know as my son in a stronger and wider container. In the emotional realm I moved through many family of origin traumas with Nic and stepped more fully into our relationship. In the psychic realm my intuition increased ten fold during this trimester. It was no longer necessary for me to pause to drop into it, my intuition became instantly available over these three months and I found myself able to access a part of my psyche that had previously been dormant.

What I came to know in my bones during this trimester was how much of an upgrade I was receiving from this pregnancy. Growing Solomon in my uterus literally turned on aspects of my physical, energetic, psychic and emotional bodies that had been waiting for years to come to light. Throughout my pregnancy I was in awe of the deep process of becoming that I experienced in each of those bodies. I knew I was being initiated into Motherhood and like every initiation I went through in the past, this one was confronting, demanding, and at many times murky. It’s hard to know what you’re growing into while you’re in the process of it. Even though I caught glimpses along the way and could look in the mirror and literally see my body’s capacity for nourishing and ushering this new soul into the physical world, what I was becoming felt intangible to me because I was living in liminal space. It wasn’t until Solomon’s birth that I began to integrate the upgrade and discovered that I was able to call on a quality of inner strength and resilience that was previously inaccessible to me and in all honestly I wasn’t 100% certain was there.

Even with several months between now and the third trimester I find it difficult to articulate how much resilience I felt being shaped within each of my bodies during the precious and fleeting 40+ weeks I was Solomon’s first home. Sitting here typing this, listening to him laugh in the room next door with Nic fills my heart and body with a level of joy I have never known before. Having the honor of co-creating with Solomon while he was developing and living in side of me was a transformative experience that I have no doubt I will be unpacking for quite some time. It was complex, layered, healing, restorative, life altering, and to try to sum it up in one journal post wouldn’t be giving it the attention or space that it needs and deserves.

A huge part of my pregnancy journey was coming face to face with how much I feared being a parent and repeating ancestral patterns. I was also terrified I would be overwhelmed with the sheer amount of responsibility of not only taking care of a little human but providing a substantial foundation for that little being to become who they are meant to become. Years before conceiving Solomon I lived with these questions:

Could I help raise a child who loves themselves?

Could I support them to inhabit their body and trust their inner knowing?

Could I encourage them to nourish their gifts and learn to be gentle with their struggles?

Could I integrate my past and provide a stable and safe foundation for them to lean on?

Could I take care of myself enough to model what all of this looks and feels like?

Could I choose a partner who was on the same page with my desires and values to co-create this steady and loving environment in which to raise a child together?

What is remarkable is that as Nic, Solomon and I inched closer and closer to his birthday I had a knowing that I could answer yes without a shred of doubt to all of the questions I had been carrying. And at around 4 am when I experienced my first wave (the name we gave contractions because it was in alignment for us). I felt a deep sense of peace flow through my entire body and my mind became still. In that moment I quietly said my intention for the birth aloud and recognized that I had everything I needed to labor through this initiation. I had everything I needed to begin this journey.

Reflecting back on the third trimester I am in awe of the ways I expanded and how little of it had anything to do with me. Something greater worked its magic through me as the spirit we named Solomon was created in the physical realm so that he could arrive earth side to do the work he is here to do in the world. A large part of the third trimester was about honoring the divine contract that our souls share and celebrating that his chose my body to help facilitate his journey. When I feel into the magnitude of what that means, that my body created a life that is ultimately here to do his own work I can’t help but feel an endless stream of gratitude flowing through me. My eyes well up, my heart opens, and my shoulders and belly soften into receiving this life altering gift.

 

Photos x @nikisebastian + @storq

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