And we’re back! It’s been a couple of months since my last baby post and quite a bit has changed. Processing though my feelings in public around the baby conversation has been such a gratifying and healing experience. I’ve connected in new ways with my Mom, cousins, friends and you. I am humbled by everyone’s generosity and honesty. Thank you hearing me out and sharing your feelings and experiences. Once again I am reminded that it really does take a village.
So the news is….. I’m in. Yup. The girl who never saw herself as a Mother and couldn’t imagine settling down long enough to have a family of her own is open and willing to go for it. After tons of writing, meditating, listening, and talking I came to realize that I’ll never be 100% ready for something like this and the only thing standing in my way is fear. Today that isn’t a good enough reason to not create a family with a person that I love so dearly and see myself growing old with.
And when I’m really honest here like I was with my friend on the phone the other day, I want a family with a child. It took me a while to get to the truth as there were years and years of emotional build up. So much clearing has taken place over these last months. I’ve had many Reiki treatments, burned loads of sage, taken more heart-centered herbs, and done breathwork like my life depends upon it and here we are. I’m standing in the clarity that is here in this moment. I will never be more ready or more sure than I am right now.
Everyone tells me you can’t have it all figure out beforehand and the folks that think they do are the ones that need to loosen their grip! I’ve learned a great deal from my parents and my community and I won’t be doing this alone. Jason is an equal participant and I can’t think of anything more amazing and terrifying than creating a life with him.
Honestly I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. Jason has been so patient with me since we had our first baby talk over a year ago. That’s real right? I remember calling a friend being like god it was so much easier in my 20′s when nobody talked about babies! When we revisited the baby conversation in the beginning of this year I realized that I needed to sort this out for myself because Jason knew he wanted a child and I didn’t. Having that big unknown baby shadow in my corner was scary until I started walking over to it and seeing it was just a shadow and I didn’t have to keep living in my past.
This process of answering the question do I want to have a baby? has been a deeply healing and spiritual quest. I’ve been able to see how much healing has already taken place inside of me, all I’ve need to do is be willing to let go of that shadow. Stepping into this new space with myself and with Jason feels sacred.
Even though we aren’t starting today in one sense, in other ways we are. We’re taking steps to move-in together. I’m going to start eating differently to prepare my body. It’s all very real and it’s all very wonderful. I realize that it takes more than willingness to create a life and that there are many pieces that need to come together. We aren’t in a rush. Right now we are simply enjoying walking hand in hand towards the beauty and mystery of the unknown.
Thank you again for holding space for me on this journey. I am deeply grateful for each of you.